On feeling lost

Being an adult is scary. 

There's this sinking feeling of loneliness in not being positive on how you want to live your life, being surrounded by others who have seemed so confident in their purpose and their passions since birth while you ponder a new life path every week. "Follow your passions" appears as such an oxymoron to those like me who use their passions in all aspects of life- whether it be final projects or finding a way to spruce up box macaroni-and-cheese. There's a level of dramatic irony in living life this way, following even the most mundane of paths in which intrigue me allows me to end up in these busts of scenarios and career choices (like that time I spent over a year working at a fast-casual Tex-Mex chain due to my love of their queso dip) while simultaneously pulling from and learning something from somewhere entirely unrelated in which I had never thought to find it.  

I took a job at a summer camp this summer. I never went to camp growing up, nor had heard of this organization that is in my area at all, but I tapped through the LinkedIn application hopeful to have a relatively easy summer job and make money while enjoying the outdoors and playing games. 

Boy, was I wrong in what I signed up for. 

After hours of first aid training, three books on new-age parenting, and gaining the knowledge that the leadership role in which I was told was "basically the same job but with a few more responsibilities" turned out to be the daily planning and leading of my group camp activities, I was, rightfully, overwhelmed. 

My first week with the eight to twelve year old children terrified me, knowing the level of sass and attitude possible for that age group due to having a little sister of my own. I stumbled through camp traditions, tried over and over to make sure I learned names of campers as soon as I could, and stressed over the likelihood of accidents happening while we are miles deep in the forest. By the end of the week, I felt exhausted and anxiety ridden and was in desperate need for the weekend when something amazing happened. 

I took a small group of girls to use the restroom behind trees in the woods (yes, it's that kind of camp) and I see a bit behind us there were two young boys hiding and sneaking up on us. My typical sanguine demeanor switched, immediately reprimanding them and admonishing for them to return to the group at once for me to talk to them when I returned. I looked to the four girls around me and apologized for raising my voice, saying that "if you let boys do these things when they are young it only manifests in to worse behavior as they age." 

One of the girls with me was twelve, old enough to be annoyed with the whole concept of coming to camp and hormonal enough to declare snide remarks at me making mistakes to traditions of camp she had known from years past like the back of her hand. Connecting with her was the hardest, looking back, of any camper all summer. This girl looks up at me, in this moment of silence I created after explaining my actions and thanked me.

She explained her child knowledge of feminism and gender bias, breaking my heart while simultaneously making me nostalgic for my experience at that age: the sad reality of understanding the difference in which you approach life as a woman. The four girls talk about it together, discussing silly things such as teachers saying they need "a strong boy to carry this" or more serious as the clothes in which their mothers discourage their young bodies from donning in public. 

As they finish, the eldest girl, the one who was so willing to spite my efforts of trying to do camp right, looked at me and smiled, saying "this is why you're my favorite counselor. No adult has ever made me feel right and comfortable talking about this kind of stuff." 

In moments where I feel lost, that I look to others in envy of their confidence in the way they move about the world, I find solace in this moment. That even though I had felt like I had done everything wrong that week, that I had done the right thing at least once. And that one right thing, despite everything else that went wrong, is what will be remembered. 

SOE Terms: self reflection, camp, counselor, summer, lost, career advise, passions